OK, sophomores. If any of you are looking for an example of what your first assignment of the year might look like in practice, check this out. It’s sad, but true.

How to Look Your Monkeyest

One of the best things about going to new places is that you get a chance to reinvent yourself, as nobody there knows who you really are. If you’re off to summer camp, you can buy a new pair of shades, grow your hair out, put on a too cool for school attitude, and everyone assumes you’re just a bad-ass. When you’re off to college, you can actually act like you care about learning, instead of sending out that I-don’t-care-about-nothin’ vibe that passes for status in high school.

And if you’re a slightly graying guy who may or may not be going through a midlife crisis, vacation gives you a great opportunity to change your appearance, and by extension, your identity. Heck, you might end up a few ooh-ooh aah-aahs away from leaving even your humanity behind.

But before you can bust out “Welcome to the Jungle” as your theme song, you’ll need a few supplies:

· A 40-something guy who can laugh (sort of) at himself
· A package of Just for Men black/brown hair coloring
· A washcloth
· A tube of toothpaste

Step One: Plan Your Getaway (from home, and from yourself)What better place to invent yourself than the Jersey Shore? After all, Snooki and The Situation couldn’t possibly have existed before the cameras went on. But if your new identity doesn’t involve being a guido or guidette, choose someplace other than Seaside. For the dad-type, go to Surf City on LBI. Nobody knows you there, but it’s close enough to your true home that you can’t get too lost.

Step Two: Give in to Your Wife’s Peer PressureWomen color their hair all the time, so for them, a little shift in color is no big deal. Chances are that your wife has suggested that you play games with your own graying hair. Surely you can’t do this during your normal life; people would talk. They would say mean things, like, Look how insecure that dude is. Or, Check out the guy with the shoe polish hair. Did I say mean things? I meant true things. No matter. When your wife comes home with the Just for Men, act like you really don’t want to use it. Prepare off-handed remarks for friends who might ask why you colored your hair. “Oh, my wife made me do it.” Or “I just did it as a joke, with maybe a little bit of vanity thrown in.”

Step Three: A Little Bit is Never Enough
It’s the morning of your trip, the car is packed, and all you have to do now is shower and hit the road. This is the optimal time to apply the hair dye, as you won’t see anyone you know for another ten days, and by then, they’ll probably have forgotten what you actually look like.

After you open the package, read the directions carefully. When the directions say, “You may want to apply a layer of Vaseline around your hairline,” consider that to be an optional action that you just don’t have the time to perform. And when they say that you should use 0.5 ml of solution, look at that paltry amount and decide that there’s no way it can do the job.

Once you’ve eschewed (Gesundheit!) those instructions, it’s time to apply.

Step Four: There’s No Going Back Now
So you put the goop in your hair, took a shower, flung your hair around like you were in a shampoo commercial so that some of the excess dye spattered on the shower curtain, and now you’re ready to check out the new you. First, however, better get that dye off the shower curtain. But that’s easier said than done; a paper towel and some bathroom cleaner isn’t working out too easily. In literary terms, this is called foreshadowing.

Step Five: Cue the Opening Notes of Beethoven’s Fifth, Then Look in the Mirror
Admire the pure black beauty of your new hair. Notice the inch or so of staining along your forehead, down your temples, on your ears, and very likely, down the back of your neck. This is kind of funny – you look just like a Capuchin monkey. Call your kids upstairs so they can enjoy the advanced stupidity of your new appearance before you remove the offending hair dye.

You don’t want to wipe that off with a towel, so grab another paper towel. Then discover that it doesn’t just wipe off. Grab a washcloth, coat it liberally with soap, and start to wash the stain off. Discover that it doesn’t come off with soap and water. Move quickly to Step Six.

Step Six: Panic, but Try to Look Like You’re Not PanickingCall the Customer Service Hotline at the manufacturer's headquarters, which, though it makes no difference at all, is located a five-minute walk from your home. Have the following conversation:

Jack-ass Guy: Hi. I just used your product, and I’m having a problem. It has stained my head about an inch wide all around my hairline.
Just for Men: Did you use Vaseline around your hairline.
JAG: I thought that was optional.
JfM: Not really.
JAG: That could have been clearer. Anyway, I’ve tried soap and water, but it didn’t
work.
JfM: No problem. Do you smoke?
JAG: Smoke? No, why?
JfM: Well, old cigarette ashes are the best thing for cleaning off the
stain. Do you have a charcoal grill?
JAG: No, gas.
JfM: Well, the next thing, if you want to try it, is to use a washcloth and toothpaste.
JAG: I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. Thanks.

TIP: Never put yourself in a situation where you have to use toothpaste for any function other than brushing your teeth.

Applying the toothpaste to your skin will give you a tremendous appreciation for the strength of tooth enamel. If you would like to experience the sensation before following any of the preceding steps, rent a welding torch from Handy Rent-All, point it at your face, and ignite. To sort of experience the pain, get a disgruntled carpenter to rub Heavy Grit sandpaper over and over and over your face.

Step Seven: Remember, Nobody on Vacation Will Even Know Who You Are
After about fifteen minutes of applying the toothpaste to your epidermis, you see some progress, but you just can’t take the pain. You have some splotches of black dye streaking your face and ears, but to the quick glance, it almost looks like you have long sideburns and slightly out of control ear hair. So what if people snicker at you; you’ll never see them again. It’s time to get going, or you’ll be stuck on the Garden State for the next five hours.

Be thankful that your daughter didn’t have a camera and a Facebook page to immortalize you at your monkeyest, and carry with you a hard lesson about the price of vanity. Last of all, don’t worry: by Tuesday, it’ll all fade away, and the only time you’ll feel that burning sensation again is when you take your kids to the Bronx Zoo, and they insist on visiting the Monkey House.